


Dean - 23

by phantisma



Series: Ages [16]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-23
Updated: 2006-11-23
Packaged: 2017-11-13 09:48:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/502158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantisma/pseuds/phantisma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU - Dean's POV.  When Dean is 23, The women in his life surprise him, and he makes a momentous decision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dean - 23

He turned twenty three three weeks after his release from the hospital after the incident with Tony It was three weeks he spent avoiding his shrink and his father, grateful that he’d convinced Sam to get on a plane back to Stanford. He wanted to ignore everything and forget what they said happened and just go back to normal.

Kaitlyn didn’t let him near the café, even to do paperwork. It made him ridiculously happy how much she mothered him, how much she and Jenny took care of him in those first few days home. As long as he had the two of them running interference, he believed he could keep it away and not have to face it.

It should be easier than it was proving. He didn’t remember anything past walking into the bookstore. He didn’t remember doing what Sam said he did. He didn’t remember Tony stabbing him. He’d stopped by to see him before he left the hospital.

The big man seemed so…frail lying there. It shook him, reminded him of George and the way he’d just collapsed…the way he had just…died. Not remembering had its advantages. It gave him space, gave him time to figure out what he needed to do.

They tried to tell him it wasn’t over, that it was only a beginning, but Dean had shut them out. He hadn’t even let the priest in when he’d come, certain he was only going to fill his head with more of the same.

Now, comfortably ensconced on his own couch, Dean relaxed, even as Kaitlyn got ready to leave for work. “Don’t forget, we’re having dinner with my parents tonight, so be ready when I get home. Jenny’s going to be home from school early, so she can help you if you need anything.”

He caught her hand and pulled her down into his lap, his hand going to her belly and rubbing in tiny circles. “I’m not an invalid Kate. I can handle a shower and getting dressed all by myself.” He kissed her nose and chin before pressing his lips to hers.

“I know, baby…I just worry.”

“I’m fine. A little sore and not up to running or anything, but fine.”

“I could have lost you.” She whispered. It wasn’t the first time. Dean smiled and rested his forehead against hers.

“Not going anywhere, Kate. I won’t ever leave you. I’m not the leaving kind. Just ask Sam.”

She smiled and kissed him. “He certainly does love you. I think he was more scared than I was.”

Dean took a deep breath and stilled the quiver in him at the thought of Sam afraid…afraid for him. “That’s cause he’s a wuss.” He bent forward and kissed her belly. “You take care of your mommy today, baby Winchester.”

She squirmed under his lips and jumped off of him. “Get some rest. Oh, and Dr. MacAfferty called again last night. Says you missed an appointment.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Yeah…okay…I’ll call her.”

She stopped at the door and blew him a kiss, then was gone. He was alone. It happened so seldom these days. For a moment, Dean let himself relax against the couch. It was easier than making a decision. He wasn’t ready for the decision he had to make.

He chewed on the inside of his lip and thought about what Sam said happened, about the power Sam said he’d displayed. He had saved Jenny,but at what cost?

They had insisted, Sam and his father, that now is the time… that now Dean had to listen, had to choose to come off the drugs and follow them in their insane quest. Dean shook his head against the arm of the couch and sat up slowly. He’d asked for space and they had given it to him reluctantly. Sam had gone back to school, and his father had gone off on some hunt. That left him with Jenny and Kaitlyn in his own self-doubt.

He hadn’t stopped taking meds, though he had actually considered it. That was part of the avoidance with Dr. MacAfferty. She would never stand for him coming off the pills and might even try to get him committed if he suggested it. She knew him very well, and Dean wasn’t sure he could keep it from her if he saw her again before he made the decision.

He sighed and threw off the afghan and stood. He made his way down the hall to the bathroom and opened up the medicine chest, pulling out each bottle of pills and setting them on the back of the sink. This combination had given him more controlled his life than any other they had ever tried. The thought of giving up that control terrified him more than a knife in the stomach ever could.

There were four bottles now. Over the years there had been as few as one and as many as five. Dean stared at them for a long time, then at himself in the mirror. He looked so much older than he remembered being. Twenty three. Some days it felt like 53.

He ran a glass of water and opened up the first two bottles, counting the remaining pills and doling out one of each into his hand. After a long moment, he closed his eyes and took them, washing them down with the water and then putting them all away. “Make a fucking choice,” he told himself in the mirror, then padded away down to the kitchen. He picked up the phone and hesitated. He got half way through dialing Sam’s number and hung up. Then he dialed Dr. MacAfferty’s office.

“Hello, this is Dean Winchester. Yes, I know, she’s been trying to get a hold of me. Yes. I can make that. Sure. Thanks.”

He blew out the breath he was holding and shook his head. Sam was going to hate him. But he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be ready. He went to shower and dress. He had little more than an hour before his appointment…and he had to figure out how he was going to play this one.

 

Dr. MacAfferty was agitated when he arrived, something he certainly wasn’t accustomed to seeing. She was pacing her office and she turned as if he’d startled her when he came in. “Dean…there you are. You’re late.”

He grinned. “Two minutes. I couldn’t find parking.”

“Are you supposed to be driving?”

He chuckled and came in to sit down. “Well, if I hadn’t driven, you wouldn’t be seeing me. Lesser of two evils and all that.”

She crossed to the door and closed it, checked the clock and sat behind her desk. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

Dean shook his head. “Not really. Things have been busy…what with getting stabbed and all.”

She squinted at him. “I thought we had gotten past the flippancy as a defense mechanism.”

Dean held up his hands. “No defense…just…with Christmas and Sam coming home and then the whole thing with Tony and the stabbing…I’ve been a little preoccupied.”

“Fair enough, I suppose. How are you feeling?”

“Like someone stabbed me in the gut.” Dean said, looking away. “Seriously, I’m fine. Better than fine. Life in the world of the Winchesters is very, very good.”

“Tell me.”

“Well…for starters, Kaitlyn’s pregnant. She’s due in June.”

“Wow. I thought you two were planning to wait.”

“We were. It came as a complete surprise. I guess no birth control is a hundred percent, you know?”

“Are you ready for parenthood, Dean?”

He shifted uncomfortably. “Who knows? I mean…who is, really? We’re looking for a place closer to the café, something with more room.” He rubbed absently at his bandages. “But I’m happy. Really happy.”

“How was Sam’s visit?”

Dean’s mind flashed to Sam on his back on Dean’s desk, to the feeling of his cock inside his brother, then to his face when it became obvious Dean didn’t remember what had happened in the bookstore. “Good.”

“Just good?” She looked at him, and he couldn’t really read her expression.

“Yeah, we had some good times…he…he brought our father.”

She sat forward at that, and Dean thought he saw a light in her eyes that hadn’t been there before. “Your father?”

Dean nodded. “He spent Christmas with us. It was nice.”

“Nice? Good?” She put down her pen and stood. “These aren’t very descriptive words you’re using, Dean.”

No. They really weren’t. Dean sighed. “What do you want? It was tense sometimes. It was hard. It was also good and nice. It…was family.”

“How are the meds?”

It was an abrupt transition and she looked at him as if she knew something. “Good. No real changes.”

“No headaches, no nightmares?”

Dean shook his head. “No, aside from tension headaches and dreams about the café going under…nothing.”

She looked at him for a long time then nodded. “Okay. So tell me about Tony.”

“What?” He was disoriented by her quick shifts. Normally their sessions followed a smooth flow from subject to subject. This was anything but normal.

“Tony…the stabbing. What happened?”

Dean shook his head. He really didn’t want to go there. Didn’t want to have to admit he didn’t remember…”Okay…Sam called me, said that Jenny was in trouble. I went to meet him at the bookstore where she was. When I got there, Tony was ranting incoherently, he had a knife. The next thing I know, Jenny’s in Sam’s arms and I’m on the floor with a knife in my belly.”

“I thought you and Tony were friends.”

Dean chuckled. “No…well…we were something…I don’t think friends is what we were. Besides, I haven’t seen him in a long time.”

“Why not?”

Dean inhaled deeply. “I don’t need him anymore.”

“Oh?”

He nodded. “I love Kaitlyn. I love the life I have with Kaitlyn. Tony was…my pressure valve. I don’t need it anymore. I haven’t in a long time.”

“So, why did Tony threaten Jenny?”

“I have no idea. The doctors are talking about an aneurism or something…they think that’s why he’s still unconscious. They aren’t expecting him to come out of the coma.”

“How does that make you feel Dean?”

He sighed. “I don’t know. I mean…it sucks, you know? To go out like that.” An image flashed through his head of Tony, his face contorted in rage, his eyes black. “No one deserves it. On the other hand, he’s always been something of an ass…and he threatened my family…stabbed me. How should I feel?” He looked up as her eyebrow arched. “Rhetorical question, doc.”

He stood up and moved around a little. His stomach was turning. “Truth is, I’ve never been more…stable. Even with this…chaos, even with everything…I’m happy.”

She nodded and folded her hands. “And your father and brother? Any more talk of ghosts and hunting?”

Dean’s smile faded and he glanced away. “No. I’ve told them they are both welcome in my life, but that crap isn’t. They’ve agreed.”

“I’m really proud of how you’ve handled all of this, Dean.” She settled back in her chair. “I was worried. Every time you’ve faced a crisis like this in the past, it’s pushed you and you’ve stumbled. This time, you seem to be doing very well.”

He didn’t quite meet her eyes as he grinned. “Must mean I’m getting stronger…or something.” _Or giving in_ a voice in his head said. Dean wondered to himself if that wasn’t what he’d been doing his whole life.

 

“Dean?”

He looked up from the book in his lap as Jenny came out of the kitchen with tea. “Hey, Jen.”

“You got a minute?”

“For you? Always. Come sit down.” She handed him a cup of tea as he moved his feet off the couch to make room for her. “What’s on your mind?”

“I’ve been thinking. There’s no reason why we should go looking for a place, when I have one just sitting idle. I mean, there hasn’t been a single offer on it, it’s paid off after Mom’s life insurance…there’s plenty of room for you and Kaitlyn and the baby, plus Sam when he’s home.”

Dean shook his head. “We can’t ask you to go back there, Jen. It’s…”

“My home.” Jenny finished for him. She sipped from her tea. “I took it off the market yesterday. Marcie and I are going over tomorrow after school to clean it. I’m going to make the attic room into my room, we’ll make my old room the nursery, since it’s right across the hall from the master bedroom. Sam can have your old room. The café is only five minutes away.”

“Jenny, I appreciate the offer, really…but…I’m not sure it’s the wisest plan.”

“I want to do this, Dean. You’ve given me so much…and…I’ll be going away in the fall…and I want to know that you and Kaitlyn and the baby are safe.” He could see she meant it.

“I’ll tell you what…when Kate gets home tonight, we’ll talk about it, all three of us. Okay?”

She smiled and nodded. “Okay.” She drank her tea and tucked her legs up under her.

“Was there more? You look…worried.”

She blinked. “How do you do that? I can hide anything and everything from Sam…but not from you.”

“Big brother. It’s my job.”

She chuckled. “I don’t want to upset you.”

“But?”

“But I want to talk to you about the thing with Tony.”

He took a deep breath. “What about it?”

She looked uncomfortable again. “I…I know this is going to sound crazy. Which is why I didn’t say anything. But…I heard Sam talking to your father…and I was there Dean…I saw.”

“You can tell me anything Jenny. Okay?” He reached out for her hand.

“Okay…remember when that guy attacked me…and I told you his eyes were weird?” Dean nodded. “Tony’s eyes were the same. Like he wasn’t him…all black, even where the whites were supposed to be. That other guy…Mark? His were the same.”

Dean held her hand and waited. “I know you say you don’t remember…and I know that Sam was upset…and I don’t really know what happened that night…but Dean, I saw you.”

There were tears in her eyes as she looked up. “I saw this look come over you…and your eyes went all hazy, and you said something to Tony. He let go of me and lunged at you…and then he was….I don’t even know how to describe it…he just…fell backward and all this black poured out of him.”

Dean squeezed her hand. “That’s what Sam said too,” he said quietly. “I’m not sure what to say.”

“I—I talked to Sam.” She said it hesitantly, looking away.

Dean sat forward, releasing her hand to rub at his face. “Oh?” He tried for casual and it came out a little too tightly wound, a little too high pitched.

“He took me to see Father Andrews…and…”

“Fuck.” Dean saw where this was going now and got up to move around a little. “Jenny…”

“Let me say this Dean. Let me…” She pushed copper-red hair out of her face and took a deep breath. “I’ve never gotten involved in this stuff before. I’ve never gotten between you and Sam. I’ve never asked you about the meds or the odd behavior. But I’ve watched. I’ve seen.” She stood up and came over to him. “I want you to know, that no matter what you decide, I’m here and I love you.” Her hand stroked over his arm.

“Father Andrews told me that you were special. That you…have gifts. You and Sam both…and that there are forces working to hurt you. I know they’ve used my family to do that, Dean. I know about my father. I know what he did to you.”

Dean closed his eyes. This was not what he wanted to hear, not now. “I know Dean.”

“Jenny…I—damn…I don’t want this right now. I don’t want…I don’t…Fuck.” His head hurt from the tension. He shook it again, trying to clear away the fuzzy sensation building and the panic bubbling under the surface.

“I also know what I saw, and it wasn’t insanity or delusion, Dean. It was real. Very real.”

Dean moved back to the couch and sat, his head in his hands, even though it made his stomach ache. “So is this.”

He looked up at the change in her voice, at the sudden deepening and odd inflection. Her eyes shimmered an odd silver. “Don’t be afraid. You aren’t seeing things, Dean.”

“What the fuck?” He stood quickly and backed away from her. “Jenny…this is not funny. This is…hell, I don’t know…what this is.”

“Dean, I only wish to talk to you.”

“What the fuck are you? Why…get out of her…get the fuck away.”

Jenny nodded…though he was fairly certain it wasn’t Jenny. “I’ll go if you insist, but I’m only here to help you, Dean.”

Dean shut his eyes and turned away from her, trembling hands over his face. “Not now…I can’t do this again…” His stomach churned as the fear bubbled up. “I’ve been so good…I’ve done everything right…just…stop…please…god…please.” He hadn’t felt this in years, this fear…this _not right_ feeling in his gut that came just before some incident that led to waking up in restraints.

“Dean.” The voice was stronger now, more demanding. He shook his head. “Everything is not as you would believe. Demons are real, and you are caught in a very dark place in between two of the meanest. One wants your gifts for itself, the other wants your gifts buried. Neither is going to give up. Your only hope is to meet them both head on.”

“Stop. No more…I just want to…I want my life…my wife and child, my brother…my normal life.”

“They will use your family to get to you. They will hurt them, turn them, break them, bleed them…all to push you. The longer you bury yourself under the drugs, under the delusion that this is normal, the more they win.”

Dean was shaking as he turned back to Jenny. “And what is it you want? You want me to lose everything? Toss away years of work to get here…to get to the place where I can have something good and normal?”

She crossed the room, her hand rising to his face. “Is this normal Dean? Is this constant fear that you’ll screw up, normal? Is the need to hold your brother so close to you normal? Tell me, has anything ever been normal for you?”

Dean leaned into her touch for a moment, then pulled away. “Fuck you.”

There was a pause, then a chuckle. “She’d be the only one left in the family you haven’t.” Dean froze. “I can help you remember Dean. I can help you remember everything…the blackouts, the two years your bargain took away and re-wrote. Then you can make your own decisions. If after that you still want normal, I can take it all away again.”

“How do I know I can trust you anymore than I could them? Fuck! What am I saying?” He turned away again and shook his head. “I’m losing my mind. You aren’t real.”

She reached for him again, touching his face, and images flashed through him from that night, of Tony and Sam and the power that flared through his body. He sank to the floor, holding her hand to his face. “What…how…” He exhaled slowly and looked up through the tears in his eyes. “What do I do?”

Her smile was gentle and her eyes shifted, glowing a little. “Get clean, Dean. Get off the meds. I won’t lie. It’s going to be bad. When you’re clean, I’ll come back…I’ll give you everything…and then you can decide.”

“I don’t know if I can do that.” He was panting, sweating…like he’d already stopped the meds.

“You’ve already done it once, you just don’t remember.” She stood back, her posture oddly formal. “I have to go now, Dean. Jenny is still unaccustomed to this, and it will take a while for her body to grow used to hosting me.”

“Who are you?”

“I am Reuel, and I am on your side in this.”

Jenny blinked, then sagged and when she looked at Dean again, her eyes were wide. “Dean?”

He nodded and slowly got up off the floor. “Yeah, Jen…I’m okay.”

“I wasn’t expecting that. I’m sorry.”

He shook his head. “No…I’m…gonna go lay down.”

“Can I—“

“Thanks, Jen…I’m okay. Just…give me space, okay?”

 

 

“You were quiet tonight.” Kaitlyn said as she brushed out her hair. Dean looked up, startled.

“Yeah, I guess I was. I…have a lot on my mind.”

She looked at him in the mirror. “You want to talk about it?”

It was the last thing he wanted to talk about, if he was honest. “I’m thinking about going off the meds. Completely.”

She turned and looked at him, concern on her face, but not the anger he’d been expecting. “Can I ask why?”

“I’m not sure I know where to start.”

She came to sit on the bed beside him. “You know I love you, and I’m going to be here with you, no matter what. I only want what is good and right for you, Dean.”

He nodded. “I know. I—have to be honest about this, even though it’s going to sound kind of nuts.”

She smiled. “I know nuts, Dean. I have an aunt who thinks she’s Marie Antoinette for heavens sake. You aren’t nuts.”

He chuckled. “You’ve never seen me without the meds.”

He stared at his hands until she took them. “Let me say something before you say anything else, okay? I know a little bit about the reasons you’re on them, about your break downs, and the reasons for them. I know about the demons.”

He stiffened and she shook her head. “I’m Catholic, remember, Dean? Two of my uncles are priests, three cousins and an aunt are nuns. Demons and angels are very real to me.”

His eyes met hers. “Yeah?”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“What are you saying, Kate?”

She took his face in both hands and kissed him. “If you decide to go off the meds, I’ll be here for you. If you decide to stay on them, I’ll be here for you. I’m your family…I’m a Winchester now, just like you…and Sam and your father…and this baby.” She pulled one of his hands to her belly.”

“It won’t be…it’s gonna be ugly, Kate…I mean, the withdrawal…it’s bad…”

She nodded. “I know.”

“I won’t be able to work…a month at least.” He wasn’t sure he could do it. “I…I’m going to need help…I…” His stomach churned. He’d never told her about…”I have some very self destructive behaviors that will come out…coping mechanisms…” Her hand slid over his thigh and his eyes widened.

“I know that too. I have a confession of sorts to make Dean.” She pulled her sleeve up, exposing a scar he was familiar with. She’d told him it was from a bike accident. “I always cut on the same spot…so I’d only have the one scar.” Her eyes met his. “I recognize the signs. You’ve kept the knife in the drawer…but you haven’t used it. It took me five years to get rid of the knife after I stopped.”

“God Kaitlyn…” he breathed, his hands pulling her close, his lips closing over hers. “I don’t think I’ve ever loved you more.”

“Does that mean I don’t have to give you your birthday present?” Her smile was positively wicked as her hand slid down between his legs. His cock stirred to life instantly and he let go of the fear and anguish as her lips traveled over his chin and she pushed him onto his back.

“You still just want me for the sex,” he gasped as she stripped him of his pants and she kissed her way up his thighs.

“Mostly the sex…and the chocolate soufflé…” Her mouth closed around him and he couldn’t help but arch off the mattress.

“Remind me to put soufflé on the menu again.”

 

“Hey, Dad…it’s Dean.” Dean stopped there, uncertain how to say what he needed to. “No, I’m fine. Where are you?” Denver…long drive. “No…it’s no rush…I just…when are…or are you even…planning on coming back this way…soon?”

Dean paced the hallway. “Okay…here’s the thing….I’m…I’m going to need your help. No, no…I’m fine…right this minute…I’m scared out of my mind…but I’m okay. I…I’ve made a decision.”

He bit his lip and wavered…once he said it to his father, he couldn’t turn back. “I’m ready. But I can’t do it alone.”

There was silence for a long minute. Then John’s voice sounded a little different as he gave Dean instructions. “Yeah, okay. It might take some time…June…the baby…and…” Suddenly Dean had second thoughts…if he hurt Kaitlyn, or their baby. “No…I understand. It would be best. Okay. I’ll see you in a few weeks.”

Dean hung up the phone and looked at Kaitlyn and Jenny on the couch. “He’s going to be here in a few weeks to discuss the details. It’s not going to happen until at least June…when we can get everyone together that we’re going to need.” He closed his eyes for a minute. Everything felt unsteady already. “Until then…everything stays the same.”


End file.
